Beauty Within
I am a true believe in "everything happens for a reason" and today I experienced another great example of how true this is. God always has a plan. My mom purchased a book for my eldest called "More Than a Pretty Face" by Christina Mead. While it was meant for my daughter I was intrigued by the title and began to read it. Here I am day 2 and page 60. So much for just reading a blurb. Ha!
Anyway, so I'm reading and the more the author shares about her struggle with loving herself and finding herself "pretty enough" I feel her words resonate with my own struggle. Growing up I always felt fat. I always had skinny friends. So I was constantly comparing myself to them. I was never skinny although I did fit into a size 0 and size 3 for a long period of time in middle school. I always had a lot of thigh, some booty and boobs since I menstruated at 9 years old. I look back at pictures now and wonder what in the world was I thinking? I was gorgeous! LOL But really I was not happy with my physical self and so never fully felt comfortable in my own skin. I had a baby at 16 and that added to the insecurities because now I was a 16 year old with stretch marks and loose skin on her abdomen. I would never feel comfortable wearing a two piece bathing suit ever again. I never realized how toxic this point of view was, until now.
This book has shed so much light on why I have a hard time looking in the mirror lately. I am constantly reaching for what I believe would be my ideal to look be considered beautiful. It probably even explains why I'm addicted to buying make up. Somehow in my mind, I'll find the perfect lipstick, eyeliner, lip liner, etc to make me look beautiful enough to forget my physical imperfections... After my daughter, I gained weight in college, but then lost the majority of it the last two years. I felt pretty good about myself but still felt like I could be thinner. I started going out with my now husband and gained weight from all the dinner dates and late night snacking. So again, my self esteem went to crap. We got married at the courthouse and til this day I really don't desire to have a big church wedding. And now I am convinced it's because I don't want to be the center of attention in my current physique. I had 3 more babies in the span of 6 years. I have never been able to lose weight easily so this took a huge toll on my body. Not to mention I always had a bit of a pooch and these pregnancies only made that pooch worse. So I am currently 50 pounds overweight from where I would ideally like to be and believe me that's still considered an overweight range that I'm seeking. I am fitting in the biggest size jeans I've ever worn and it's difficult to find shirts that make me feel sexy but yet hide my pooch. I have failed to see the beauty in me. But I am grateful to have read this book because I am starting to understand this:
"God's definition of beauty has nothing to do with the world's standards of what makes someone pretty. Rather, beauty is written in our souls. It is inscribed in every fiber of our being. Beauty isn't something we have to achieve; it is something God placed within us and we must discover within ourselves."
We compare ourselves to the constant mass of beauty gurus who use a million filters. Or the celebrities who we forget have private chefs and private trainers and live in nannies who can watch their kids while they work out. We forget that for ages the magazines have lied to us by photoshoping and airbrushing said celebrities we see so perfectly on their covers. I always wondered how they achieved such perfect hair and no fly-aways. I need to love myself and realize I am beautiful in God's eyes. I am exactly the way I am supposed to be and my physical being shouldn't determine how beautiful I feel. I believe that if I see the beauty within me somehow everything else will fall into place. Maybe I'll start taking better care of my body and treat exercise as a way to de-stress and boost my mood versus a constant struggle to get it done so I can hopefully lose a pound or two. If I love myself, I'll take even better care of myself. If I love myself and see the beauty within that's all that matters.
Anyway, so I'm reading and the more the author shares about her struggle with loving herself and finding herself "pretty enough" I feel her words resonate with my own struggle. Growing up I always felt fat. I always had skinny friends. So I was constantly comparing myself to them. I was never skinny although I did fit into a size 0 and size 3 for a long period of time in middle school. I always had a lot of thigh, some booty and boobs since I menstruated at 9 years old. I look back at pictures now and wonder what in the world was I thinking? I was gorgeous! LOL But really I was not happy with my physical self and so never fully felt comfortable in my own skin. I had a baby at 16 and that added to the insecurities because now I was a 16 year old with stretch marks and loose skin on her abdomen. I would never feel comfortable wearing a two piece bathing suit ever again. I never realized how toxic this point of view was, until now.
This book has shed so much light on why I have a hard time looking in the mirror lately. I am constantly reaching for what I believe would be my ideal to look be considered beautiful. It probably even explains why I'm addicted to buying make up. Somehow in my mind, I'll find the perfect lipstick, eyeliner, lip liner, etc to make me look beautiful enough to forget my physical imperfections... After my daughter, I gained weight in college, but then lost the majority of it the last two years. I felt pretty good about myself but still felt like I could be thinner. I started going out with my now husband and gained weight from all the dinner dates and late night snacking. So again, my self esteem went to crap. We got married at the courthouse and til this day I really don't desire to have a big church wedding. And now I am convinced it's because I don't want to be the center of attention in my current physique. I had 3 more babies in the span of 6 years. I have never been able to lose weight easily so this took a huge toll on my body. Not to mention I always had a bit of a pooch and these pregnancies only made that pooch worse. So I am currently 50 pounds overweight from where I would ideally like to be and believe me that's still considered an overweight range that I'm seeking. I am fitting in the biggest size jeans I've ever worn and it's difficult to find shirts that make me feel sexy but yet hide my pooch. I have failed to see the beauty in me. But I am grateful to have read this book because I am starting to understand this:
"God's definition of beauty has nothing to do with the world's standards of what makes someone pretty. Rather, beauty is written in our souls. It is inscribed in every fiber of our being. Beauty isn't something we have to achieve; it is something God placed within us and we must discover within ourselves."
We compare ourselves to the constant mass of beauty gurus who use a million filters. Or the celebrities who we forget have private chefs and private trainers and live in nannies who can watch their kids while they work out. We forget that for ages the magazines have lied to us by photoshoping and airbrushing said celebrities we see so perfectly on their covers. I always wondered how they achieved such perfect hair and no fly-aways. I need to love myself and realize I am beautiful in God's eyes. I am exactly the way I am supposed to be and my physical being shouldn't determine how beautiful I feel. I believe that if I see the beauty within me somehow everything else will fall into place. Maybe I'll start taking better care of my body and treat exercise as a way to de-stress and boost my mood versus a constant struggle to get it done so I can hopefully lose a pound or two. If I love myself, I'll take even better care of myself. If I love myself and see the beauty within that's all that matters.
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